Note: I wrote this introduction many years ago and although I’m publishing this version, it may change over time and be different in the final book.

I live an extraordinary life where miracles manifest around every corner. Although, it’s actually other people who use the term ‘miracle’ to describe the way my life unfolds. Calling something a ‘miracle’ implies it was an unlikely event. I don’t see it that way.

When I say my life is extraordinary, I don’t mean to imply I’ve become a millionaire or a successful entrepreneur. I was an entrepreneur once. It was awful. If I wrote a book about it, it would be titled I Threw My Laptop Lifestyle Out The Window.

Extraordinary, to me, means exactly that – extra ordinary. Ordinary with a side of ordinary; hold the pickles.

I’ve reached a place of ease, where the struggle to survive – physically and psychologically – has dissolved. I didn’t win the lottery and I don’t live in luxury. Life is easy because I’m no longer struggling to maintain an identity in the world. I have a deep connection with life, and an even deeper appreciation for simplicity.

My life wasn’t always like this. In my teens and through my 20’s, my life was chaos and destruction at every turn. I suffered from severe depression and saw no point to life. I was suicidal and burning with rage.

I dove head first into spirituality at the age of 11, immersing myself in Wicca, Druidry, and other ancient practices. At 16 I worked at a new age metaphysical bookstore and read every book I could. Based on what various authors proclaimed, I pictured Awakening as the end of suffering – the dawning of eternal bliss. After all, that’s what “enlightenment” is, right? Heh. Not exactly. Not even close.

When the Awakening process unfolded, the result was unexpectedly destructive… yet profound.

After Awakening, I gave my spiritual practices a swirly and flushed them all down the toilet. I realized the deceptive nature of abilities like telekinesis, seeing through closed eyes, and clairvoyance. I understood the deception of superconsciousness, reincarnation, oneness, and other “new age” spiritual concepts – no matter how real the experiences are, they are a distraction from the ‘meat and potatoes’ of Awakening. You can have both, but not at the same time. Awakening comes first – then these things fall into their rightful place.

Living chaos and destruction woke me up

Most people presume their path to Awakening will be positive, like lovers dancing in a field of flowers, blissed out, feeling “one” with the world. My path was being in perpetual conflict with everyone around me on a bloody battlefield that followed me everywhere I went.

While journeying through life tuned to the frequency of destruction, I came to understand aspects of humanity that most people can’t even fathom. Although it remains a mystery to most, one aspect of humanity I thoroughly understand is school violence. I understand it because I was one of the kids who decided to pack years of rage into the barrel of a gun and unleash that rage at school.

Although I had the desire to do it, it never went beyond an idea. I didn’t have access to a weapon. But that didn’t stop me from planning – and threatening – a suicide-murder mission at the age of 14.

When I was caught I didn’t deny my intentions. Still, the judge dropped my case without even meeting me – that decision would never happen today. It was 1995 – three years before Jonesboro, four years before Columbine, and twelve years before Virginia Tech.

I was charged with terrorist threats, narrowly escaping charges of vandalism and extortion. I got off easy. I was a gifted student so they didn’t believe I was a threat. I wouldn’t really hurt anyone, they said. I was just acting out over my parents’ divorce, they said. Therapy would help, they said.

Everything “they” said was wrong. I wanted revenge more than my own life. My rage had nothing to do with my parents’ divorce. Therapy made me angrier. The rage I was ready to unleash had accumulated from years of abuse in school that went ignored by everyone around me. But I didn’t write this book to describe those experiences to win your sympathy or support. And I’m not using this book as a platform to lament about schoolyard injustice.

Although many will sympathize with my experiences in school, I’m not trying to validate my past, nor am I looking to shame the school system or even condemn my bullies. In fact, some of the people I once considered bullies are now my friends.

I wrote this book to tell a different story. For many years I perceived the actions of others to be the cause of my rage. After Awakening I understand it differently. Despite my experiences, I don’t see myself as a victim, and by the end of this book, you’ll understand why.

There’s a fork in the road to healing, and most people go left or right. I didn’t take the easy road. I didn’t take the road less traveled. I continued straight ahead, forging a path through a dark and brambled forest, thorns piercing and slicing my body from every angle. I emerged exhausted and bloody, yet victorious. What I discovered destroyed my perception that abuse had caused my suffering. I learned the Truth. And that’s what this book is about.

Not another book about school violence

Awakening Warrior isn’t just another book about school violence. You won’t find kill counts, biographies, or a psychological analysis of school shooters in this book. Other authors have covered that information extensively.

This book shares what hasn’t been published: a raw and unfiltered perspective on school violence written by a former teenager arrested for planning a shooting, who transformed their life.

Not another book about bullying

Stories about bullied kids are a dime a dozen. I’m going to tell you a different story, one you likely haven’t heard.

I’m going to tell you how I obliterated severe depression, homicidal urges, suicidality, OCD, manic depression, rage, and severe PTSD without a drop of therapy or medication. I’m also going to tell you how I turned my bullies into friends.

I’m going to share the monumental ‘mistakes’ I’ve made that led me to uncover a deep wisdom about life. And I’m going to share the training that taught me how to step into my greatness and lead others to do the same – training that’s accessible to everyone around the world.

I’m going to share how attending a modern day Mystery School forced me to climb out of the morass of judgment, give up my emotional addiction to pain and suffering, and trained me to achieve higher states of consciousness that often result in mind-blowing mystical experiences. Like being able to manifest desires and see with my eyes closed.

Most importantly, I’m going to share the wisdom of a four-decades-long journey born from destruction that unfolded into a deep love for what many call “God” or “The Universe.”

This book is about transformation, not motivation

We already know why teenagers choose to kill their classmates and teachers: they’re burning hot with rage, generally the result of real and perceived injustices. There are individual circumstances that vary, but with each new incident, the narrative follows a familiar path. We have this narrative memorized, yet knowing a shooter’s motivation never helps to prevent the next incident.

If you want to learn how to transform a deeply rooted state of depression, rage, and suicidality into one of peace and contentment – in yourself or others – this book is for you.

My story will take you beyond motivation, into a space that provides answers from a new perspective. A perspective I didn’t have access to until I became committed to Truth. Once I tugged on the first thread, my life unraveled like a Weezer song.

Getting to this point wasn’t easy. I had to confront my worst fears and courageously walk through them all. I had to allow myself to bleed out, to be shredded and dismantled from top to bottom.

Most importantly, I had to let go of the one thing that provided me with comfort: my suffering. Not just suffering, but my suffering. I clung to it like a koala clings to a Eucalyptus tree. And when I realized nobody was going to pry it away, I had to do it myself.

Why I’m sharing my story

My story is a roadmap for preventing suicide and school violence and demonstrates how even the most destructive mindset can be healed.

I’m sharing my story because…

… right now, there are kids plotting murder right under their parents’ noses. Their friends know something’s wrong, but don’t know how to intervene.

… right now, there are teenagers and adults sinking deeper into suicidal depression who don’t know how to get out of their downward spiral.

… right now, there are thousands of people whose lives will one day be ripped to shreds by a school shooting. Like all who came before, they’ll say, “I never saw it coming. He was such a nice kid. I never thought it would happen here.”

I’m sharing my story because the world is divided on the cause and solution for school violence. And I’m committed to bridging this cavernous gap.

I’m sharing my story because right now, thousands of teenagers are suicidal because they feel irrelevant. And they need to know their life matters.

I’m sharing my story to encourage parents to develop authentic connections with their kids, and to give teens the courage to have ruthless compassion for friends who may be on the edge.

And if you’re on the edge, I wrote this book as an invitation to take a few steps back from that edge, just for now. No matter who you are, I’m committed that by the end of this book, you’ll see a bigger possibility for your life, and you’ll know that your life – and your voice – matter.