When I learned self-inquiry, I stopped attempting to resolve my problems with other people. I’m not saying I stopped communicating with others, stopped apologizing, or trying to resolve genuine conflicts. What I mean is I recognized that when I had a problem with someone else, I was the source of the problem – not the other person. For instance, my anger, judgment, righteousness, or impulsive reactions were the cause of the conflict I was experiencing. The other person’s actions were just the trigger.
Prior to learning self-inquiry, I would approach everyone who upset me as if they were the problem and they had to change. Self-inquiry taught me to look at my reaction, dissolve contention, and only on rare occasions would I need to involve the other person in resolution. Why? Because most of the time the only problem was the one I created in my mind.
I’m not talking about the kind of self-inquiry that asks, “who am I?” I’m talking about the skill of turning inward for resolution instead of blaming other people for your upsets. When used correctly, self-inquiry dissolves patterns, traumas, and upsets like throwing ice in a hot tub. In the context of problem resolution, self-inquiry leaves other people and circumstances out of the equation. You don’t have to drag someone else into your drama to find resolution.
Is it possible to resolve issues without involving other people who seem to be so much a part of the equation? Yes. Absolutely, yes. And the benefit of doing so far exceeds any “mutual resolution” you could create with another person. Allow me to explain.
When you approach another person to resolve a problem, you immediately put them on the defense. Especially if they don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. Resolving the negative feelings in your heart first allows you to approach another person with love and a commitment to resolution that doesn’t come with the sting of blame. Most of the time, you’ll find that once you resolve your own negative feelings, your whole issue disappears and you don’t even need to talk to the other person because you realize they haven’t done anything.
Ten years ago if someone did or said something that upset me, I would attempt to “work it out” with them. For instance, when someone said something I considered mean, I would approach them with the intention of “resolving the problem.” This involved letting them know how I felt about their behavior. Then came the ultimatum: If they wanted to be in my life, they had to change.
Although it seems legitimate – why would anyone want to continue a friendship with someone who is disrespectful? – this “work it out” approach never worked and any appearance of resolution was only skin-deep. There was constant tension, bitterness, and resent in the space between myself and everyone I had attempted to “resolve” a conflict with. The same goes for people who tried to resolve a conflict with me.
Then came the cumbersome construction of boundaries, and the necessity to catalog who I could and couldn’t trust.
My relationships became volatile, and we walked on eggshells around each other trying hard to remember each others’ “triggers” and “boundaries,” apologizing profusely when we forgot. Resolving issues in this manner only succeeded in creating an exhausting emotional prison.
After “resolving” a problem with someone, then came the boxes I had to put people into in order to manage my interactions with them. This person’s a homophobe so I can’t invite them to gatherings with my gay friends; this person is a doomsdayer so I have to limit my interactions with them; this person only talks about themselves, so I’ll only hang out with them when I’m short on time; this person is an arrogant bastard so I’m not going to answer my phone when they call; this person is an atheist so I can’t talk about my spirituality around them or they’ll go off on me again.”
I thought it was was normal to have to put people into boxes like that. When I hung out with my atheist friends, we’d all agree that the doomsdayer was nuts. When I hung out with the doomsdayer, we agreed that the atheists were misguided, and so on. I’m sure I got put into some boxes, too.
We put each other into boxes according to our interactions, agreements, and disagreements with each other. And based on the way we went about “resolving our problems” with each other by attempting to get the other person to change their behavior, we only reinforced the need for more boundaries and boxes. Nobody was willing to change their behavior; we just all walked on those eggshells and swept the contention under the rug.
When I Got Sucked Into NLP Seminars
I Thought I Found The Answer
After witnessing profound communication potentials during some NLP seminars, I thought I found the solution to my problems. Learning a new way to approach people to resolve a conflict gave me the idea that softening my approach and learning higher communication skills would get me the resolution I wanted. So, I learned high level “communication skills” and NLP.
These skills were effective with other people who shared the same training because we were all playing the same game. However, it fell flat in the real world. I could manipulate people’s responses and behaviors, but unless it was “game on” 24/7, they reverted back to their chaos.
At the time, I didn’t understand the core problem was my desire to change another person’s behavior. I didn’t need better communication skills – I needed to stop bringing my issue to the other person.
Self-inquiry is effective for a reason
Involving others in the process of resolution left tension, bitterness, and resent in the space between us. When I used self-inquiry, I achieved a different level of resolution that left only love in the space between myself and others. And I learned it through a single interaction with my first teacher that left me bewildered and curious at the same time:
After a minor disagreement my Teacher said something that I considered mean. I immediately walled her off and went silent. Several minutes later she called me to the kitchen table and asked me to sit with her. She said, “let’s talk.”
I wasn’t buying it. I know what “let’s talk” means. It means I’m going to be made wrong and told I need to change my behavior.
I sat down. She said, “I want to acknowledge that I didn’t mean what I said, and I want you to know that I love you.” She reached out for my hand. I was silently waiting for the slap down.
“I care about you, and I don’t think of you that way. I was just frustrated. I didn’t mean it and I love you,” she continued.
I waited. And waited.
She got up and gave me a deep and meaningful hug that seemed to last forever.
She never brought me into the equation of her experience of our conflict.
She completely disarmed me.
I was waiting for her to tell me I needed to take responsibility for my part, but that never happened. The conflict we just had – the interaction we both participated in – dissolved into pure love in a single moment. She didn’t need my apology to fill the space between us with love. She didn’t need me to change to fill the space with love. Most importantly, I didn’t need to do anything to fill the space with love. Because she filled the space with love, I was able to meet her there without having to make things right first. Things were already right, because she never made them wrong.
With that interaction, I saw a possibility for human relationships that transcended the concept of “conflict resolution.” I had never experienced anything more powerful in my life. I finally understood that bringing another person into the equation of my upset activated a vicious circle of emotional manipulation.
What Self-Inquiry Looks Like From the Inside
Years ago I had a roommate who told me I could put my blender on the kitchen counter in a specific spot. I used it daily, so I needed easy access to it. A week later I came home from work and my blender was gone. I searched the cabinets and cupboards and couldn’t find it. When my roommate came home, I asked her what happened to my blender. She told me she put it in the laundry room because it was taking up too much space.
The available counter space was vast; 6 feet in length on one side and 5 feet on the other. And my blender barely used a square foot of that space. With the exception of a jar full of dog treats, the counters were bare.
My immediate, internal reaction was, “what the hell? You JUST told me I could put my blender in that spot. And I need to use it every day. I’m not going to walk to the laundry room every time I want to make a meal. That’s ridiculous. I’m paying rent here and now you’re being unreasonable.”
This initial reaction was automatic, and any sensible person would probably agree that she was being unfair. But, I didn’t allow my mind to entertain those thoughts.
Prior to developing the skill of self-inquiry, I would have gotten into it with her and made sure she knew how ridiculous she was being. I might have even attempted an open conversation with her to point out her issues of control, and get her to work on those issues.
I also would have stood firm as a renter and made the request that she keep my blender on the counter and honor her word. I would have made a genuine effort to help her understand why I needed access to it so she felt better about leaving it on the counter.
All of this sounds reasonable, right? Of course. And that’s the way most of us have been taught to resolve issues with other people. You talk it out, communicate, and compromise. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Handling situations like that can create peace and harmony in any environment. However, self-inquiry will lead you to a deeper resolution within yourself.
Here’s how I initiated the process of self-inquiry in this situation:
I knew there was something deeper to discover that had nothing to do with my roommate or the blender. It was all about me. I shifted my focus away from her and into myself. This is what that process of self-inquiry looked like:
I asked myself what this situation was really about. It wasn’t about fairness or people not honoring their word. It wasn’t about someone trying to dominate and control me. It wasn’t even about me choosing the wrong place to live, although if I shared this experience with friends they’d all tell me to move. It wasn’t about anything in the external world.
Because of my awareness, I knew the situation was showing me something inside of myself, if only I had the eyes to see. And it wasn’t going to be obvious. I would have to dig for it. So, I removed my focus from the external, as if my roommate didn’t even exist, and began to dig. This is the conversation I had with myself:
What am I resisting in this situation that is creating my frustration? For one, I just want to live my life and make my smoothies and that’s being interrupted by an unreasonable and inconvenient requirement to stash my blender in the laundry room after each use. I don’t like arbitrary rules that make no sense. I can understand rules that have a purpose, but this one doesn’t serve any purpose other than to satisfy someone else’s need for control. I’ve always refused to follow rules that make no sense – there seems to be a lot of those in this world.
There are people in this world who have no problem following arbitrary rules even when their rights are being violated. Even when I was in school I refused to follow arbitrary rules. Like being denied the ability to use the restroom when I really needed to go – I just left anyway. I didn’t care if I got marked down. Or being told we can’t have bottles of water at our desk – I’ve always ignored that rule, it’s a human right to have access to water. I never cared about getting detentions for not following those rules. But other people would shrink away from consequences and do as they were told. I’ve never been swayed by consequences. I would rather die than follow arbitrary rules. Why am I not swayed by the threat of punishment?
So here I am as a renter, and I’m being asked to do something that presents a severe inconvenience to me, and makes eating my meals an arduous task. All so that someone else can feel better about their OCD. What am I resisting? I’m resisting compromise.
Now at this point, you might be thinking, gosh if your roommate was making this outrageously absurd rule, there is no way you should have to compromise. She’s clearly nuts. You should just move.
Wherever you go there you are; you can run from yourself, but you won’t get far.
As easy as it would have been to just pack up and move, I knew it wasn’t the answer. The situation appeared to be about a fickle roommate with OCD making my life difficult, but it was really about a lifelong pattern that I was about to uncover and bust wide open.
Now, when I discovered I was resisting compromise, I don’t mean to say that I was resisting compromise in this specific situation with the blender. I mean to say that this situation brought me to the awareness that I had been resisting compromise for my entire life. And the situation with the blender was only a symbol that was pointing me toward that realization. This situation was a pattern I had been experiencing my whole life, but only now did I actually get the message.
As I dove deeper, I discovered the situation wasn’t actually about compromise; it was just another layer in the cake, pointing to an even deeper issue.
Self-inquiry continues, more deeply
This wasn’t the first time this issue popped up in my life. In fact, when I got that spot on the counter for my blender I was in shock because up to that point I had not been allowed to put any appliances on any kitchen counter in any house I’ve lived in. And what made it worse is that I had to purchase a new blender in red because that was the only color my housemate would allow in the kitchen.
That alone was enough for me to attach myself to the idea that I was right and she was wrong. But, with my awareness, I knew that anytime I feel like I’m absolutely right and someone else is absolutely wrong – even if the entire world agrees with me and supports me – something deeper is fueling that conviction. And it doesn’t matter if I really am right about the situation. If ever the need arises within me to get someone else to change their behavior, or validate my experience, that’s an automatic invitation for me to step back and go inside. I knew that even if I was factually right and the Supreme Court ruled in my favor, it doesn’t matter. Being right about any situation won’t unravel your Gordion Knot. Self-inquiry will.
So I dove deeper. Beyond my resistance to compromise, there was something else for me to discover. I went all in.
Okay, so I’m unwilling to compromise. Why? What is it about compromise that puts me off so much? Well, I’ve never had my needs met in a compromise. The deck is always stacked in the other person’s favor when I compromise. I don’t ask other people to compromise. I allow them to live their life the way that works for them and I work around it. I resent being asked to compromise in a situation that doesn’t have any real reason. Being asked to put my blender in the laundry room isn’t a compromise; it’s a decision being forced on me by someone else to control access to my own property.
Wait a minute. I see where this is going. When was the first time someone forced me to do something with my own property that I didn’t agree with? Well, there was the one and only time I got dragged to a Catholic church when I was eight years old. My dad made me donate all of my allowance money that I had been saving for craft supplies. When they passed around that collection net, I was forced to give the church everything I had saved completely against my will. I didn’t get to choose to give an amount I wanted to give – I was told I needed to give it all. Bingo!
What did I decide in that moment as an 8 year old kid? That I was never going to let anyone tell me what to do ever again. I decided that all rules were a threat to my ability to make my own choices, and following rules meant losing my freedom.
I Had Collapsed Following Rules With Losing Freedom
The moment I got that, I dissolved unconscious resent toward my dad and my step-mom that I had been holding onto for being forced to give away my money. I asked myself the one question that never fails to bring everything back into balance, “what can I let go of that’s standing in the way of love?” The answer was that I can let go of resent, and making them wrong for what I experienced. So, I let that go, and experienced a profound shift in the quality of my life in an instant.
I had collapsed following rules with losing freedom, and spent my entire life up to that point operating from this belief – unconsciously. Anytime someone had a rule to follow, even if it was insignificant like formatting a paper double spaced with size 12-point font, I would always find a way to get around it. For example, I’d use an 11.75-point font in an unconscious attempt to hang onto my freedom. If I followed the rules, my subconscious really believed my freedom was at stake.
This realization explained (and dissolved) a plethora of patterns in my life that never made sense to me. Including my former patterns with money. And I didn’t have to do anything but dive into self-inquiry and be willing to look at everything that came up.
I never would have discovered this if I had reacted to the blender situation in the external world. I could have whipped out amazing communication skills to be the diplomat. I could have just moved. I could have compromised. I could have made my roommate see things my way. But none of that would have led to the absolute freedom that came when I chose to look inside and dissolve this pattern.
Essentially, an upset 8 year old had been running my life for decades. And I’ve done this process with enough situations over the last decade to know that issues like these always go back to a decision made in childhood about myself, or my world. The difference with this situation is that it happened to be a root pattern that unraveled myriad other patterns, completely eliminating my need to explore those other patterns.
There’s no need to hash out the details
With self-inquiry, there’s no need to engage in the details of situations that arise in order to resolve them. The simple act of honest self-inquiry dissolves all issues.
The Takeaway of Self-Inquiry
Life presents all of us with situations where we are absolutely certain we are right, and others are clearly wrong. Sometimes we can even prove this with facts, data, photos, and even video evidence. But getting caught up in right and wrong is a distraction. These situations are invitations to look beyond the surface. Because it’s never about the situation – it’s about you. And it will always be presented in a way that ensures you’ll never see it unless you’re willing to look where you absolutely don’t want to look.
Until you can look past the temptation of judgment and morality, you’ll experience a compulsion to resolve issues in the external world by reasoning with people, trying to get them to change their behavior, blaming them and feeling resent toward them. And sometimes you can get people to change, and your relationships might improve. And if that’s all you want, then there’s nothing wrong with that.
If you want Self-Transformation, and to be AWAKE, you need a different strategy.